[personal profile] batvirii

The past few days, I perceived my feelings for others as a curse.

I feel intensely toward others, & I struggle with expressing that. For example: when I had a crush on someone from school, just about everyone was able to figure it out, because I had no idea how to hide my feelings.

I am a very honest person. What I lack in tact, I make up for by telling the truth. Lying is a chore to me - I’d rather not do it. Even when lying is in my best interest - like when defending myself from abusers - it’s difficult.

I used to talk about how, since I identify with the magical girl thing, I’m inherently cursed in various ways. One of these ways is how intensely I experience feelings, as well as my inability to deal with them appropriately. (I’m working on it.)

[under cut: depression & suicide mention; this is a positive post, though]

Personally, I think others perceive me as a pretty happy person. There are times when I do the depressionblogging thing, though. I’ve had people who have had to personally talk me out of suicide, who have had to put up with what happens when I’m upset...

The bottom line is that I can feel negative feelings to the same degree that I experience positive feelings. It’s honestly painful. The past few days, I’ve thought about just trying to turn off my feelings and numb myself from what’s been ailing me lately.

But in hindsight...even with how badly I’ve felt, I don’t regret the lows I’ve experienced.

Because the fact I’ve experienced pain is important to me.

it’s not a curse, it’s a blessing - even if it doesn’t feel like it as I experience it. But having an understanding of what the bad stuff feels like helps me to stop & listen to others. When I think about their situations, I’m able to see things from their perspective and relate to them, to some extent.

Speaking as someone formally diagnosed with depression: it is important to have someone who understands what you’ve gone through. Maybe it’s not a constant for every single person diagnosed with depression, but that’s what I’ve personally needed. It’s hard for me when I talk to others about depression & they don’t know what it’s like; I’ve been outright told to just “stop being sad,” or being dismissed because “you’re too happy to be depressed.”

Bad feelings always hurt. That’s the way they are. It doesn’t invalidate how it feels at the time, but it’s okay to just go with it. When I was younger, I thought I had to push an negative feelings aside and force myself to “get better,” otherwise I’m less of a person.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pushing away your feelings is counterproductive. Sure, sometimes you’re around people you don’t feel safe expressing your feelings around, but...maybe I’m just someone who values honesty, but it’s important to acknowledge that they’re there, and that you’re not less of a person for experiencing negative feelings.

Because everyone experiences negative feelings. It’s just part of life. It doesn’t justify hurting others as a result of how you feel, but it’s important to know that simply experiencing negativity doesn’t invalidate what worth you have as a person.

A simpler way to word is it that I’m thankful for what I’ve gone through. Because of what I’ve experienced, I’m able to understand others. I’m not just some metaphorical cheerleader shouting empty reassurance through a megaphone, as I worry I’m perceived as.

Even as people put down the concepts of hope and enthusiasm, dismissing them as shallow...I am able to rest assured, knowing that the positivity I try to bring in others’ lives comes from a genuine place.


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February 2017

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